Saving Emotions

As long as I can remember, emotions have merely been just words to me.
Happiness.
Sadness.
Joy.
Tired.
They were just words. I never felt them. I moved to a small town where I thought I belonged. I soon found myself passed out with an empty bottle of vodka and a pack of cigarettes next to me. Right then, I knew nothing. I couldn't feel a thing. I couldn't think. Couldn't speak. I was done. I was gone for.

After a lot of self healing and hard work, I started to feel these things called emotions. The only thing I'd ever felt was complete and utter despair. But I got a glimpse of what being happy felt like. It didn't usually last long, but I kept trying. Happiness. I was getting there.

Before I knew it, my whole existence was changed. I made a mistake of thinking someone cared. But all he wanted was something for himself, and I was left alone at the curbside. When the year mark hit, I considered myself a survivor. My sister took me to a convention for sexual assault and it was the first time in a year that I didn't feel alone. I opened up about my experience and although it was hard, my sister and I bonded on a new level of sisterhood and what being a family really meant.

For all my life, I've put up a front. I've had an internal conflict my whole life of whether to be the person everyone wanted me to be and just survive, or to be myself and let my happiness just finally be. Being gay and living in Utah is no walk in the park. I felt judged everywhere I went. Like I didn't belong. That feeling of despair started to return. I was trying so hard to make my parents proud. One day, it hit me. I wasn't even making myself proud anymore. And just when I was on my last thread of life, someone came along to change my life.

I walked in the day with the plan to go home that night and have it be the last night here on earth. But as I set my bag down and looked up, there she was. A beautiful smile and breathtaking eyes. For the first time in a long time, I felt something. Whether it was love at first sight or fate, it was there. And I knew I couldn't leave this earth.

Soon enough, I found myself crying in her arms. Finally letting out the emotions I'd been penting up for so long. And she held me. She told me it was going to be okay. I was humiliated. I just met her and I was breaking down right in front of her. But the most amazing part, is she loved me even more for it. I lay here tonight thinking back to just a few weeks ago, how much I just didn't want to be here anymore. All I could feel was despair. But this girl, my girl, has shown me what happiness, sadness, joy, and love really is.

Happiness is cuddling up in bed watching your favorite TV show together on your day off. Its coming home to a nicely cooked dinner and a back massage after a long day at work.

For those of you out there who feel like they can't show who they are, I'm here to tell you that you can do it. And you will find all those amazing emotions we hear about. I took off my mask for just a few minutes, and now, I never want to put it back on.

I never thought being who I am would make anyone happy. But I was proved wrong. And I thank the girl who saved me. Because she saved me, and she saved my emotions.