The Letter

I told you today that I wrote a good bye letter. In the case I'm not strong enough. I cried and was trying not to pull my hair out. Even though you were there, I'd never felt more alone. But I know I wasn't. It's the depression and anxiety and whatever. But I was trying to reach out for help. I'm not okay. I'm not strong right now. I don't know what I need but please help me. I can't take this anymore. Writing letters you will all read about the times I didn't wanna be here anymore. Messing up every time I get out of my bed. I'm a good person, I know that. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. But I can't control it anymore. My thoughts are taking over and I've lost control of it. It's different this time and I don't know how to control it anymore. I'm looking for every possible answer. From eating bananas to raise my potassium, to upping the strength of my mood stabilizer. It's so much. And even though I'm supposed to take a week off, which I REALLY need, I can't. If I lose a job again, my mom is just gonna see me as a disappointment. I broke all the promises and relapsed into my cycle. But that's not it. My health is horrible. And you don't see it. You've seen that I've lost weight, but I'm always smiling. And maybe it's easier that way. To just not talk about it. But if I don't, they don't understand. They don't understand at all. How do I take care of myself without becoming a disappointment? Maybe.. it's not me. I know who I am. I know what I can accomplish. Everyone needs a break sometime. And if I don't take care of myself now, my life could be shorter. I want to live. I don't want to survive anymore. If for some reason I don't make it, I'm sorry. I tried. Just know I'll always be with you.

The Days

You know those days, not the best ones.
The ones where you get in the shower,
But just sit down and cry.
The water pounding down on your head,
Watching it all go down the drain in a spiral.
Because sometimes...
It's just too much.

You know...
The days where you want to be happy,
But the knots won't untie in your stomach.
So you pop another pill,
Smoke another bowl.
But there you are again.
Sitting.
Crying.
Once again...
It's just too much.

It's the days like today,
Where you just need a hug.
But instead, we sit here and cry.
Because the fear of asking,
Is almost greater than our courage.
And sometimes...
It's just too much.

We have those days where we're ready to tell you.
How we feel.
What we feel.
And just as the words are about to slip off our lips,
The knots get tighter.
So.
We don't tell you.
We can't.
This time...
It's just too much.

You know those days, the good ones.
I'll have those too.
I'll smile and I'll laugh.
Sit outside and take in the sun,
Watching the clouds go by.
Because sometimes...
It's not too much.

You know...
The days where I am happy.
The knots are untying.
I don't need pills on these days.
I smoke because it makes me laugh.
So, here I am.
Laughing.
Smiling.
Once again...
It's not too much.

It's the days like today.
Where I asked for hugs,
And only cried from laughter.
Because the fear of asking,
Is not greater than our courage.
And sometimes...
It's not too much.

I'll have those days where I'm ready to tell you.
How I feel.
What I feel.
And just as the fear is about to take over,
Courage comes in.
So.
I do tell you.
I can. 
This time...
It's not too much.

I'll have, you know, the "not so great" days,
The good days.
The shitty days.
The best days.
I'll have all of them some days,
And other days, I won't have one at all.
Because life is a rollercoaster,
But I really hope you'll stick around for it.
Because at the end of the day...
It's really not too much.