To the Students I Will Teach Someday

To the band I will teach someday:

I don't know any of you yet. I'm merely 20 years old trying to get my music degree, so I can teach you about music. One day, I will get a job as a high school band director, and I will stand before you. To the kids who I will stand before, I will promise you one thing. And that is that I will always believe in you. 

Some of you have probably not been born yet, or have recently entered this life. You've come out with a clean slate. A white blank piece of paper. And you're going to soon start writing your story. I was you once. My pages used to be blank. But now I am creating a book. A book of my life. And what I have realized, is that I am the one who is holding the pen. 

You may encounter life and find how hard it truly is. You may find that at a young age, or somewhere later in your life. Regardless of what you have gone through by the time I meet you, I will only know what you chose to share of your story. What you chose to share with me is something I will not judge. I will not discriminate you. I will not think of you any less. Because, I once too, had to share my story.

I never anticipated the words I would write in my story every day. I never knew life could be so cruel. I look back on my life, only 20 years of it, and think to myself where I would be without music. I think of the day my band director pulled me into his office, and asked if I was okay. He had no clue a few nights before, I had been given a possible diagnosis of cancer. I was 16. Little did he know at the time, all I needed was someone to believe in me. To trust that I would pull through of what he had asked. I thought life was over. I figured if I had cancer, I was going to die anyway.. so why try anymore?

I'm not here to tell you that life is easy or that it's always fun. I'm here to tell you that I believe in you. In your darkest times, I believe that you will make it. I believe that you can pick up whatever instrument it is you love, and that you will play it with all the passion you have. That even though you may be in an abusive relationship, may have just lost a loved one, or even just flunked a test, I believe that I can show you that life, and myself, still believe in you. 

What is going to happen may suck. You may find yourselves hating life at times. I know I did. But if it weren't for the three directors in high school, I would not be sitting here writing this. Because music saved my life. I had lost hope. I was ready to give up. My grades were failing and so was I. My drumline directors made me come to rehearsal and do my homework. I was mad. I just wanted to play my music. I felt like I was failing everyone around me. But I picked up my mallets that next day in my concert class, and I played my 16th note solo, looked up at my director, and saw a smile on his face. And what I saw in that smile, was belief. He gave me that part, not entirely knowing if I could do it. I had worked on it and struggled to make sure I could do it. But I had never felt good enough. Until that day. I remember he stopped shortly after the solo, to tell me that it was amazing. Something inside me lit up. Almost like a candle being lit after being in a cupboard for years. What I received that day was belief. I regained hope. I knew that one day, I would stand before you. Because this is happiness. This is belief.

So, to the students I will teach some day..

I am not going to teach you just about harmonic minor scales and how music is "correctly" written. I am going to teach you that in life, we have to find ways to express ourselves. We all express our emotions differently. Mine, is through music and writing. When I pick up my instrument or my mallets, all of my worries and troubles leave. I don't have to think about the essay that's due tomorrow, or how much sleep I'm going to get tonight. I don't worry about the results of my shoulder exam tomorrow and if I'll need surgery. I look at the music, and I worry if I'm expressing it the way I want to. If someone were to hear what I was playing, if they could feel what I was portraying. 

What I worry about is you. I care for you. Because in my story, there was a time that my directors didn't believe in me. I had missed rehearsals, and they told me I couldn't do it. The most important thing I have done is not listen to them. Because I know what I can do. I know what I have done and what I can accomplish. And what I have accomplished has been the unthinkable for me. There have been countless times where I just wanted to run from a problem. It seemed too hard. But I don't want you to run. I want you to believe. In yourself. I will believe in you through your hardest times. Through figuring out what you want in life, who you are, who your friends are. I will put my baton down, and tell you, just like my director did, what you have accomplished. No matter how small or silly it may be. The fact that you made it to class, gives me every reason to believe in you. No matter who you are. No matter what you've been through. I believe in you.

You are amazing. You've made it this far in life and you have a lot ahead of you. You're constantly writing a story that someday you'll look back on. I want you to look back on that story and be able to say "Man. That day really freaking sucked. But here's what I did. I made it. And the next day, I woke up, and did it again." I don't want you to look back and be disappointed. You will always miss notes in your music. Mistakes will always be made. And I'm not just talking about music anymore. The fact of the matter is that in life, we will make mistakes. But what I am here to tell you is that those mistakes can either crush you, or they can make you stronger. Life may beat you down so hard to the point where you feel like you can't do it anymore. Come to me. Tell me. I will listen. I will believe that you will get through it. Because you deserve this life. You deserve every ounce of happiness that you could ever imagine. 

To the students that some day I will teach:

I haven't met you yet. But I believe in you.

The Unexpected: They Said It Wouldn't Be Easy

Someone once told me that life would never be easy. 
But they never said that it could be this hard.
I remember walking onto the field that day, pretending I was okay. That what happened the night before was just a mistake, and I'd be able to move on. What I didn't know, is that it wouldn't be easy. Was it easy to see him every day? To be in the very presence of someone who defiled me in the most inhumane way possible? No. It wasn't. But I walked on that field, I went to my class. I could have quit. Walked away. But I didn't. Because I knew it was going to be hard, but it wasn't worth quitting.

I'm no one special. I never have been. I hear comments every now and then that I'll be so great some day. But it's hard to believe. The day I knew something wasn't right, changed me forever. I was handed a pill, and was told to take it. "Will this last forever?" I thought to myself every day. I'm no one special. I'm just another girl who struggles. Takes pills to feel somewhat normal. I go to school, drive my car, and watch Netflix, just like the rest of you. I am no one special.

Was it easy to march thirty pound cymbals with a torn rotator cuff? No. It was constant pain and pain med after pain med. Praying every day that my car accident didn't really happen. That there isn't a possibility of surgery. But the fact of the matter is, it all happened. And still is. Is it easy to play percussion with this pain? No. So why do I do it? Because it's what I love. We often put ourselves through pain for things we love. Regardless of whatever consequence is tied along with it.

It wasn't easy when my dad left for prison. I felt like he didn't even exist anymore. "Where's your dad?" They'd ask me. "I don't have one." I knew one day he'd be coming home and I'd have to face the reality that he missed some of my proudest days. Id have to face the truth of the situation, and learn how to forgive. Was it easy? No. Has it been worth it? Yes.

It was so hard to decide whether to get sleep or to drive an hour to see if someone I loved was actually dying. It was already so late. But I did it. Knowing how exhausted I'd be. That I probably wouldn't make it to school. But I did. And I kept going that day like everything was just fine. That it was easy to hide what had happened that night. And that I almost lost someone. 

It's not easy to lay in this bed, surrounded by all of the hellish thoughts of my mind. 
"You're not good enough." 
"Just give up, it doesn't matter anyway." 
And I lay here for days. Noticing the sun is setting once again, feeling like another day has just been wasted on these thoughts I cannot rid. It's not easy to go to your mom and tell her you don't want to be in this life anymore. But I did it anyway. 
I didn't want to go outside and go for a drive with my dad. But I did. It's not easy waking up to this reality I hope to somehow piece together, when I cannot even find all of the pieces I need. Do I waste my time trying to find the missing pieces? 
"What's the point anyway?" 

I'm no one special. Just a girl with a dream, fighting her way through life. And at times, I'm tired of fighting. Trying to prove to everyone that there is something special about me. That something in my life does matter. Sometimes, it's the hardest thing in the world. But I do it anyway. And it's hard to know why. What this mysterious ambition is that's inside me, when every other part of me just wants to give up. 
Is this what they call hope? 
The light at the end of the tunnel?
I don't know. But what I do know,
Is that life is the hardest thing we'll ever encounter. 
But it will be the biggest success we'll have ever accomplished.

To The Friend..

To the friend who said they'd always be there.. 
We used to spend our nights together watching stupid shows on Netflix and vaping until we fell asleep. 
I was there when you cried, and you were there when I cried. 
And to my friend who promised we'd always be sisters.. 
I want to be happy for you. But now the only time I see you is on Facebook, or snap chat. 
With someone else. 
And it may be selfish of me, to be so angry at you for living your own life.. 

But as the friend I thought I'd never lose, I hate to see how much further we're growing apart every day. You were the one who broke into my room and forced me to get out of bed. 
The one who brought me breakfast on a day we wanted to get things done. 
You were the angel who carried me when I could not walk anymore. 

And to the friend who I always wanted to be there for, 
I just want to carry you when you can't walk anymore. 
To put a band aid on your wound, and tell you it'll be okay. 
I want to be selfish and tell you that you're not better off without me, but it's been about two months now. And although it may seem like I walked away, I still wish every day, that we could still be the friends who were always there for each other.

I understand in life that we all go different ways, and I've found people who I can carry, and that can carry me. It wasn't an easy change. 
And I miss you. Every day. 
I feel like I should have fought for you and chased you, but I also felt there was no hope in trying. 
So, to the friend who promised they'd always be there.. 
I really, truly hope you're happy with this new life you've found..
Even if I'm not in it. I may not be the friend I said I always would, but if you came running back to me.. 
My arms would be wide open. 
And I hope that one day, someone.. 
Will truly be there for you. For all of the right reasons.
To the friend who always said they'd be there..
I miss you.
And sometimes, I wonder if you miss me too.