Saving Emotions

As long as I can remember, emotions have merely been just words to me.
Happiness.
Sadness.
Joy.
Tired.
They were just words. I never felt them. I moved to a small town where I thought I belonged. I soon found myself passed out with an empty bottle of vodka and a pack of cigarettes next to me. Right then, I knew nothing. I couldn't feel a thing. I couldn't think. Couldn't speak. I was done. I was gone for.

After a lot of self healing and hard work, I started to feel these things called emotions. The only thing I'd ever felt was complete and utter despair. But I got a glimpse of what being happy felt like. It didn't usually last long, but I kept trying. Happiness. I was getting there.

Before I knew it, my whole existence was changed. I made a mistake of thinking someone cared. But all he wanted was something for himself, and I was left alone at the curbside. When the year mark hit, I considered myself a survivor. My sister took me to a convention for sexual assault and it was the first time in a year that I didn't feel alone. I opened up about my experience and although it was hard, my sister and I bonded on a new level of sisterhood and what being a family really meant.

For all my life, I've put up a front. I've had an internal conflict my whole life of whether to be the person everyone wanted me to be and just survive, or to be myself and let my happiness just finally be. Being gay and living in Utah is no walk in the park. I felt judged everywhere I went. Like I didn't belong. That feeling of despair started to return. I was trying so hard to make my parents proud. One day, it hit me. I wasn't even making myself proud anymore. And just when I was on my last thread of life, someone came along to change my life.

I walked in the day with the plan to go home that night and have it be the last night here on earth. But as I set my bag down and looked up, there she was. A beautiful smile and breathtaking eyes. For the first time in a long time, I felt something. Whether it was love at first sight or fate, it was there. And I knew I couldn't leave this earth.

Soon enough, I found myself crying in her arms. Finally letting out the emotions I'd been penting up for so long. And she held me. She told me it was going to be okay. I was humiliated. I just met her and I was breaking down right in front of her. But the most amazing part, is she loved me even more for it. I lay here tonight thinking back to just a few weeks ago, how much I just didn't want to be here anymore. All I could feel was despair. But this girl, my girl, has shown me what happiness, sadness, joy, and love really is.

Happiness is cuddling up in bed watching your favorite TV show together on your day off. Its coming home to a nicely cooked dinner and a back massage after a long day at work.

For those of you out there who feel like they can't show who they are, I'm here to tell you that you can do it. And you will find all those amazing emotions we hear about. I took off my mask for just a few minutes, and now, I never want to put it back on.

I never thought being who I am would make anyone happy. But I was proved wrong. And I thank the girl who saved me. Because she saved me, and she saved my emotions.

Falling into Place

I lay here tonight pondering the past seven months of my life. I was flunking out of school and had just started a new job. I was slowly falling to pieces and didn't know how to put myself back together. I thought that God had just given up on me, because I felt like I'd given up on myself. My brother passed away two days after Christmas, and I could only ask why. Why would this happen? The next thing I knew, the independent drumline group I was with changed our show. It's titled "The Last Goodbye". Having lost my brother and this new show about not taking lives for granted, I figured I may as well just quit. But, as I've said before, I was at my worst. And little did I know at the time, it was going to give me the best.

Life isn't always peachy. We struggle. We cry and we're angry and we just wonder "why is this happening to me?" Sometimes all those things happen in just one day. I made a goal in November to not give up. On three specific things. First, myself. Second, my job. And third, drumline. I didn't know how I was going to do it, or where to even begin. Seven months later, I've watched my last performance of "The Last Goodbye" and all I can think to myself is "I did it. I finally did it." Not only did I prove to myself that I could accomplish something, I finally proved to this world I could do something great. 

I was moved up quickly at my job. I was working a lot of hours and it was beginning to be the same day. I'd get up, work, sleep, and repeat. I'd drive an hour and a half every Friday to rehearsal, spend the night, wake up for morning rehearsal, and make the drive and go into work. Some nights, I wish I could have just slept. So I could just forget everything. But I slowly started to realize that all of those nights I worked or was at drumline, made me stronger. It helped me achieve my goals. I was motivated. I was starting to piece things back together the best I could. Even if some days I felt like giving up, there was always something that told me to keep going.

The unexpected in life is what I live for. I never expected to win IMPA State Championships with a first year drumline group who had to pull a show together in three weeks. I never expected to be working full time at a bakery and supervising, as well. (I'm a celiac in a bakery). I never expected to be where and who I am today. So, I'm just going to take a moment.. and tell you that even though we may think we can't do things, we can.

Showering. It should be easy and something we do every day, right? Just like eating and breathing. I've found a lot lately that I don't eat. I'm so busy, I just don't think about it. My past has had much difficulty, like the rest of you. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at age 15 and I never thought I'd be happy again. School never seemed to be working out. I felt like I didn't have a family anymore. My friends were all going on missions or moving away, and I just felt stuck. But one day, when I was dressed in sweats, a beanie, and a raggy looking coat, something changed my life forever.

I was talking with who I thought was just a worker at this bakery. Just waiting for the order I'd placed. Before I knew it, I was offered a job and started three days later. The best part, I have Celiac Disease. I can't even eat gluten. And I was going to be working around it. Soon enough I started to find my place. About two months into my job, I was asked to supervise the back of the bakery. I was shocked. I didn't think my work was really noticed. But I said yes. I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I figured it out along the way.

Drumline season came along and I found a group far away from where I live. It seemed somewhat promising, and I thought "what the hell. Let's do it." It included a lot of driving, a lot of gas money, and all of the fees to go along with it. But it paid off. There were times I felt like walking away. I figured they didn't need me that bad. I stuck with it, and before I knew it, we won. I cried and I hugged so many people. It was the proudest day. I was surrounded with people who I had only met in November, but now are my family.

Growing up isn't all I thought it'd be. I'm moving out this week. I just started packing. What I'm trying to get at is that I was at my worst. I thought things couldn't be any worse. But the "small" things in life are what made me accomplish more than I even thought I could. There have been so many people along the way cheering me on. I couldn't be more grateful. We always grow up thinking things will be a certain way. And let me tell you, seven months ago, I had no idea that this is where I'd be. But here I am. And I wouldn't change any of it.

Life is hard. We fight with family and we lose friends. Things seem to just fall apart at the worst times. But that's when we have to push ourselves. Like making a goal to get out of bed and shower. Or trying to be ten minutes early to work. It's things like taking a break at work and actually eating something, instead of just sitting on your phone. I find myself laying here tonight trying to find the words to explain how I feel. I did it. Those "small" goals. It took everything I had, but I am proud to say that I did it. I accomplished something I never thought I could. I beat the seasonal depression. I haven't broken down in seven months. I have a great job, a great family, an amazing girlfriend, and so many outstanding friends who have stuck with me.

Tonight, I want to say thank you. To all of those who believed in me, especially when I didn't believe in myself. I've wanted to make this world proud, and I feel like I have accomplished that. I definitely couldn't have done it without all of you. The next thing is setting new goals, and accomplishing those. Because when you accomplish something you never thought you could, you are the strongest person. You become happy. Everything falls into place. One of my favorite quotes is "When things seems like they're falling apart, they're really falling into place." I attest to that. Because when my life seemed to be falling apart all around me, the whole time, it was actually all falling into place.

Please take a moment to watch this video of my drumline. I hope it moves you the way it moved me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vn46hWFStEM&feature=youtu.be

To the Girl..

I had a conversation a few months ago with someone I admire and look up to. The conversation was rather unexpected (hence the title of my blog), but she brought something to my attention that I have been ignoring for years. And, I'm tired of ignoring it. So, here it goes.

My life. Where do I begin. It's anything but ordinary. I'm a celiac working in a bakery around flour and gluten and I can't eat anything there! That in itself.. should give you a start of understanding of what my life brings. My life is unexpected. For the longest time I hated it, but these past few weeks.. It's been the most amazing thing I could have ever unexpected. 

I'm anything but your average girl. I wear suits. I don't believe that you should love someone based on their looks or their gender or their race. I believe in a God in different ways people do. I start something and I get so excited, but then I get distracted and I forget about it. I wanted to be a doctor, but now I'm a music major. Life is full of the unexpected. And I love it.

Two weeks ago, my life was slowly crumbling to pieces. I was scattering all over the place picking up parts of me that were falling and I was holding it together. Although I felt like I wasn't going to place it all back together, something amazing came along in my life and changed it all. And it was the last thing I expected.

You see, I've spent my life chasing after people. Picking up their broken pieces and piecing it all back together for them. Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of people take care of me and pick me up when I've been down. I walked into my best friends house one day, and my life changed. The look in her eyes when I first caught her glance.. My heart knew I had to have her.

My whole life I've denied myself. I've rejected who I am. And it's not even who I am. It's a part of me. Because who I love is only a part of me. There is more to me than my sexuality. This weekend I had an eye opening experience. Two parents having completely different views. Close friends and just acquaintances have shocked me. I felt so conflicted. Where was I supposed to go? What do I do? Well. A former high school teacher, now a great friend and influence, taught me something very important in life. To always be me. And to never give up. I remember sitting in her creative writing class and she got so frustrated with me because she knew I could write, but I was too lazy. When I finally found motivation and proved to her I could do it, I knew I could conquer anything. Big or small. 

To get to the point, I love this girl. And I am no longer afraid to admit that. My whole life I've known. And it's been hard. But this girl.. If only it were easy to explain. When I thought I was going to fall apart, she was there to hug me. She brought me cold medicine and held me every moment I cried. She has lost sleep for me. She takes care of me. She makes sacrifices for me. And as much as I'm afraid, I couldn't be happier. Because for once in my life, I feel like I belong. I feel safe. I feel like I can finally show my face. And even if certain people don't accept that, then they don't belong in my life. 

Every girl has grown up with the idea of her future marriage and her family and what kind of house and wedding she wants. Well. Mine has been a little different from your average "Utah girl". I never pictured myself marrying a man. I tried, but it never gave me that "This is where I belong" feeling. I think about my future now, and I'm ready to go forward. I want to spoil this girl and I want to give her all the love she deserves. Lexi, I'm not great with words. It's four in the morning and you're going to wake up for work soon. This is for you.

You have given me hope. Confidence. I finally love myself. And I love you. The look in your eyes melts my heart. And I want everyone to know that. I want you to meet everyone and I want you to be so happy that you wake up every morning and can't help but smile. I may be a hot mess right now, but you've held me together. And I'm going to hold you together too. I love you. I'm not afraid to be myself anymore. And whatever force in the universe had to do with this, I'm glad it did. Because in the most unexpected time in my life, you came to sweep me off my feet. And as unexpected as it was, it couldn't have been more perfect. You couldn't be more perfect. You are my everything. And I will never in my life be afraid to admit that. 

To the Girl Who Saved Me:

I. Love. You.