Medicated

One hit.
Two hits.
Three hits.
Stop. 
Un-medicated, left to my own demise.
Sensors taped to my face, head, and legs.
I need it. 
I need it now.
Un-medicated.
I hate you. 
You didn't listen. You left.
Fighting back the only tears I have left to give a fuck about.
Four hits.
Five hits.
Six hits.
Stop. 
Breathe.
Inhale.
Un-medicated and self medicating. 
Scratching my own skin off, filling the room with clouds.
I wish you'd never been in my life.
If you'd just listened to me, when I told you, 
My brain does not collide with my body.
One sip.
Two shots.
Three drinks.
Stop.
The room is spinning and I can finally think.
Close my eyes.
Picture this life..
If I were normal.
Normal.
Sane.
Un-medicated.
One smile.
Two laughs.
Three pills.
STOP.
Abnormal.
Insane.
Medicated.
Three hits.
Two hits.
One hit.
Stop.
Maybe now you can see.
What happened when you left me.
The scratches fade away.
The bumps subside.
I am not free.
Forever strapped to these chains.
Abnormal.
Medicated.

Johnny Boy

As Twenty One Pilots once said..

"No one really knows his mind

And no one knows behind his eyes

The man deserves a medal,

But he's never really won a prize

Before.

He goes to lock the door.

He is falling in love.

He knows it's enough.

And the world looks down and frowns.

Get up, Johnny boy, get up, Johnny boy,

Get up 'cause the world has left you lying on the ground.

You're my pride and joy,

You're my pride and joy.

Get up, Johnny boy, because we all need you now.

We all need you now."

No one really knows my mind

And no one knows behind my eyes

I may not deserve a medal,

But I've never really won a prize

I go to lock the door,

Oh,

I go to lock the door.

I've fallen in love

And I thought it'd be enough,

But the world looks down and frowns too much.

Get up, Chloe girl, get up, Chloe girl,

Get up 'cause she left you lying on the ground.

She was my pride and joy,

Oh,

She was my pride and joy,

Get up, Chloe girl, because she was all you needed now.

STOP.

What does it mean to feel needed?

To be loved?

At age 16, I found myself lying on the streets

And my wounds kept opening.

I can't help but think that's where I am again.

I can't help wonder if that's all I'm going to be.

I have this burn on my ring finger that will not go away.

This burning in my heart that will not let me breathe.

The pill bottles

and all the friends messages

and I can't do it.

I don't know how to do it.

STOP.

open up your eyes.

look at this world and realize

it is not your fault

and you may be alone for right now

but it will not be forever.

God did not send you here to fail

He sent you here to live

But what is living,

if there is nothing else to live for?

How do I heal the scars on my heart?

Drive to work every day

like nothing ever happened

All the memories

are just memories.

A blank wall means more than you know.

You sit and you stare

In a bed you're not familiar with.

In a home you're not familiar with.

But how much hurt do you take?

When do you draw the line?

God did not send me here to fail.

He sent me here to live.

And if he sent me here to live,

then I must not let the hurt

the pain

the scars

overcome me. 

Because although they are words,

I am more.

The Missing Peace

We never really know how or why. It just happens. We lose our jobs. We lose the ones we love. We make mistakes. And sometimes we don't know why.

Life is hard to understand. It's like a puzzle but you seem to always be missing that last piece to put it all together. To make it stable. And to complete the picture. We can't complete the picture.

It doesn't make sense. We try and try. To make others happy. But it seems like we're always the ones who end up "making the mistake" and it's "our fault". Because we can't control what happens in life. Just how we can't control how to complete the puzzle. There's always a piece missing.

We wake up in the mornings and wonder what's going to happen. Are we going to make that person happy? Are they going to come home upset? How can I do this right this time? With the fact being, we still don't have that piece. We don't have that peace.

There's a reason my blog is called the unexpected. Because that's what I live every time. Sometimes I fall upon a piece of that puzzle. But then I realize it doesn't fit. So I continue looking and climbing hills with boulders resting upon my shoulders. It's an every day battle to keep going. To find that peace. To make them happy. To find that job.

The reality is, we're going to be searching until the end of time. There is no secret book with the answers. Nothing you can find on Google. This world simply doesn't have the answer. But we'll keep looking. And if you ever find it, I wish you the best.