Nightmares

Nightmares.

The one thing that keeps us up on the nights we need sleep the most.

We toss,

and turn,

sometimes we cry.

It may be about our big job interview coming up,

the concert we're supposed to play at in two days.

But nightmares are not just dreams.

Nightmares are many things.

They are the reality of life,

the fear of living,

even the hell some of us have to live with such as depression, or some other mental disorder.

Nightmares can consume us to the point where we can't get out of bed.

Some of us carry on as if we aren't living a nightmare,

that we didn't spend the whole night crying, doing everything we could to sleep.

Some of us live in a nightmare.

A hell that not everyone can understand.

A nightmare can taunt you,

follow you,

it can become you.

Nightmares are the voice inside your head saying,

"You'll never make it."

"You're just a disappointment."

Nightmares are the things we never imagined would happen to us.

We look at others and say "Thank god that isn't me."

Well. 

Sometimes that person is you.

You are the one living that nightmare that people are looking at.

A nightmare challenges you.

It feeds off of your fears in the night,

the day,

your every thought.

Some of you out there,

if you're even reading this,

may be living in a nightmare that you don't know how to shake.

You feel like you can't find that sword and take it down.

Whether it be dreams,

reality,

or it has consumed your every being.

Every person's nightmare in life is different.

My nightmare?

Never being good enough.

But on this Friday morning after horrifying nightmares in my sleep,

I have come to realize that this is not me.

This nightmare,

these worries,

are not me.

They are not my life.

Nor are they yours.

So, grab a cup of chamomile tea,

kick back,

turn on some Netflix,

and tell yourself,

this is not me.

Why waste energy on something that you can, but also can't control?

You can control the things you do to take the stressors in your life away,

but that doesn't mean you can control your financial situation,

or even a relationship.

A nightmare can be anything to anyone.

To me:

A nightmare is a challenge waiting to be beaten down.

Tonight, I'm conquering my nightmare by writing.

How will you defeat it?

Entitlement

As a person, I am entitled.

To my own feelings.

My own thoughts.

I am not entitled to the gorgeous mustang on the road next to me.

Not to the cell phone I see someone holding at the mall.

I am entitled to being a person.

A decent, considerate, person.

Someone who cares and doesn't feel entitled to the materialistic things in this life.

I am not entitled to my parents house.

I am not entitled to the clothes I am wearing.

I am entitled to being a person.

I am a person.

And as that person I have come to be,

I am strong.

I am loved.

I am heartbroken.

I am not entitled to waking up every day.

I am not entitled to my every breath,

the health I have,

nor the people I am surrounded with.

I am blessed.

For who I have become,

for the family I have been given,

and for the people who love me.

But in this life,

we become sad.

Downtrodden.

We may pick up a beer,

maybe a pill.

Take a few swigs,

maybe one too few.

Pop too many,

more than we knew.

And times we forget the mother at home we are risking losing by doing these things.

The risk we are taking,

is greater than us.

The entitlements of life are your emotions as your person.

I am entitled to my days to lay in bed and cry, rather than going to school or work.

We don't always know who has what or what they've gone through.

But in this world,

I am entitled to happiness.

I believe in a God above.

And he believes in me.

Sometimes I may disappoint him,

but one day I hope to present him with the greatest accomplishment of all:

That I made it.

I hope to run to His arms, full of tears,

Crying, and just saying "Father, I made it."

Most days, I feel like quitting.

That I am not good enough.

I'm making the wrong choice.

But God reminds me,

I am entitled to what I know to be true, deep in my heart.

And whether it be true, He is the one telling my heart what is right.

Not just for everyone else.

Not for my cat.

Nor my acquaintance.

But for me.

Because I am a person.

And I am entitled to who I am,

To my feelings,

And to the days from hell.

Entitlement is not materialistic.

Entitlement is happiness,

It's sadness.

It's the days we laugh at the store with our mothers for locking the door.

The days we cry after a performance.

Entitlement is spending Easter with my family,

because I know that wherever we may be,

I am entitled to my family.

They have forgiven my mistakes,

taken me back,

and love me more than I deserve.

But that's the greatest thing about entitlement;

Is that I can send this link to my mom and tell her:

I love you.

And mom, you may cry.

You may scream and cuss and ask "God, why me?"

And I'm here to tell you,

Mom.

You can cry.

You can scream.

But.

You can laugh.

You can smile.

That smile never ceases to warm my heart.

The adversary sucks.

Mom, I know that you're hurting.

And right now, I'm writing this because I am hurting too.

Because I think for once in my life,

I am truly starting to understand what you have been through.

I do not resent you. 

I respect you with the highest regards I could ever imagine.

I am not entitled to you.

I have been so, so very blessed to be given you.

I have taken this life as an entitlement, but tonight, I feel the angels in heaven begging to be here.

The ones who didn't get to be here,

The ones who don't get to feel pain of the world.

I feel the angels around me.

And I know you do too.

The thing you've taught me about entitlement,

is that they're feelings.

You've had to make the hardest decisions in this entire world.

But you've never made a wrong choice.

Because I am here,

I am alive.

And I have your love in my heart at all times.

Mom,

Things really suck right now,

I'm sure for all of us.

But God has entitled you.

In fact,

He's titled you:

My Mother.

A teacher.

A caregiver.

And the best mom a Chloe could ever ask for.

I will stand by you.

I am going to become temple worthy again,

Go back to church,

Because I want to be with you forever.

That, is not only an entitlement my Father in heaven has given me,

But a choice.

And I can't live in a world, a kingdom, a galaxy, without you.

And I am blessed. 

To have you.

Forever.

I love you, mom.