The Letter

I told you today that I wrote a good bye letter. In the case I'm not strong enough. I cried and was trying not to pull my hair out. Even though you were there, I'd never felt more alone. But I know I wasn't. It's the depression and anxiety and whatever. But I was trying to reach out for help. I'm not okay. I'm not strong right now. I don't know what I need but please help me. I can't take this anymore. Writing letters you will all read about the times I didn't wanna be here anymore. Messing up every time I get out of my bed. I'm a good person, I know that. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. But I can't control it anymore. My thoughts are taking over and I've lost control of it. It's different this time and I don't know how to control it anymore. I'm looking for every possible answer. From eating bananas to raise my potassium, to upping the strength of my mood stabilizer. It's so much. And even though I'm supposed to take a week off, which I REALLY need, I can't. If I lose a job again, my mom is just gonna see me as a disappointment. I broke all the promises and relapsed into my cycle. But that's not it. My health is horrible. And you don't see it. You've seen that I've lost weight, but I'm always smiling. And maybe it's easier that way. To just not talk about it. But if I don't, they don't understand. They don't understand at all. How do I take care of myself without becoming a disappointment? Maybe.. it's not me. I know who I am. I know what I can accomplish. Everyone needs a break sometime. And if I don't take care of myself now, my life could be shorter. I want to live. I don't want to survive anymore. If for some reason I don't make it, I'm sorry. I tried. Just know I'll always be with you.