To the Girl..

I had a conversation a few months ago with someone I admire and look up to. The conversation was rather unexpected (hence the title of my blog), but she brought something to my attention that I have been ignoring for years. And, I'm tired of ignoring it. So, here it goes.

My life. Where do I begin. It's anything but ordinary. I'm a celiac working in a bakery around flour and gluten and I can't eat anything there! That in itself.. should give you a start of understanding of what my life brings. My life is unexpected. For the longest time I hated it, but these past few weeks.. It's been the most amazing thing I could have ever unexpected. 

I'm anything but your average girl. I wear suits. I don't believe that you should love someone based on their looks or their gender or their race. I believe in a God in different ways people do. I start something and I get so excited, but then I get distracted and I forget about it. I wanted to be a doctor, but now I'm a music major. Life is full of the unexpected. And I love it.

Two weeks ago, my life was slowly crumbling to pieces. I was scattering all over the place picking up parts of me that were falling and I was holding it together. Although I felt like I wasn't going to place it all back together, something amazing came along in my life and changed it all. And it was the last thing I expected.

You see, I've spent my life chasing after people. Picking up their broken pieces and piecing it all back together for them. Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of people take care of me and pick me up when I've been down. I walked into my best friends house one day, and my life changed. The look in her eyes when I first caught her glance.. My heart knew I had to have her.

My whole life I've denied myself. I've rejected who I am. And it's not even who I am. It's a part of me. Because who I love is only a part of me. There is more to me than my sexuality. This weekend I had an eye opening experience. Two parents having completely different views. Close friends and just acquaintances have shocked me. I felt so conflicted. Where was I supposed to go? What do I do? Well. A former high school teacher, now a great friend and influence, taught me something very important in life. To always be me. And to never give up. I remember sitting in her creative writing class and she got so frustrated with me because she knew I could write, but I was too lazy. When I finally found motivation and proved to her I could do it, I knew I could conquer anything. Big or small. 

To get to the point, I love this girl. And I am no longer afraid to admit that. My whole life I've known. And it's been hard. But this girl.. If only it were easy to explain. When I thought I was going to fall apart, she was there to hug me. She brought me cold medicine and held me every moment I cried. She has lost sleep for me. She takes care of me. She makes sacrifices for me. And as much as I'm afraid, I couldn't be happier. Because for once in my life, I feel like I belong. I feel safe. I feel like I can finally show my face. And even if certain people don't accept that, then they don't belong in my life. 

Every girl has grown up with the idea of her future marriage and her family and what kind of house and wedding she wants. Well. Mine has been a little different from your average "Utah girl". I never pictured myself marrying a man. I tried, but it never gave me that "This is where I belong" feeling. I think about my future now, and I'm ready to go forward. I want to spoil this girl and I want to give her all the love she deserves. Lexi, I'm not great with words. It's four in the morning and you're going to wake up for work soon. This is for you.

You have given me hope. Confidence. I finally love myself. And I love you. The look in your eyes melts my heart. And I want everyone to know that. I want you to meet everyone and I want you to be so happy that you wake up every morning and can't help but smile. I may be a hot mess right now, but you've held me together. And I'm going to hold you together too. I love you. I'm not afraid to be myself anymore. And whatever force in the universe had to do with this, I'm glad it did. Because in the most unexpected time in my life, you came to sweep me off my feet. And as unexpected as it was, it couldn't have been more perfect. You couldn't be more perfect. You are my everything. And I will never in my life be afraid to admit that. 

To the Girl Who Saved Me:

I. Love. You.