I lay here tonight pondering the past seven months of my life. I was flunking out of school and had just started a new job. I was slowly falling to pieces and didn't know how to put myself back together. I thought that God had just given up on me, because I felt like I'd given up on myself. My brother passed away two days after Christmas, and I could only ask why. Why would this happen? The next thing I knew, the independent drumline group I was with changed our show. It's titled "The Last Goodbye". Having lost my brother and this new show about not taking lives for granted, I figured I may as well just quit. But, as I've said before, I was at my worst. And little did I know at the time, it was going to give me the best.
Life isn't always peachy. We struggle. We cry and we're angry and we just wonder "why is this happening to me?" Sometimes all those things happen in just one day. I made a goal in November to not give up. On three specific things. First, myself. Second, my job. And third, drumline. I didn't know how I was going to do it, or where to even begin. Seven months later, I've watched my last performance of "The Last Goodbye" and all I can think to myself is "I did it. I finally did it." Not only did I prove to myself that I could accomplish something, I finally proved to this world I could do something great.
I was moved up quickly at my job. I was working a lot of hours and it was beginning to be the same day. I'd get up, work, sleep, and repeat. I'd drive an hour and a half every Friday to rehearsal, spend the night, wake up for morning rehearsal, and make the drive and go into work. Some nights, I wish I could have just slept. So I could just forget everything. But I slowly started to realize that all of those nights I worked or was at drumline, made me stronger. It helped me achieve my goals. I was motivated. I was starting to piece things back together the best I could. Even if some days I felt like giving up, there was always something that told me to keep going.
The unexpected in life is what I live for. I never expected to win IMPA State Championships with a first year drumline group who had to pull a show together in three weeks. I never expected to be working full time at a bakery and supervising, as well. (I'm a celiac in a bakery). I never expected to be where and who I am today. So, I'm just going to take a moment.. and tell you that even though we may think we can't do things, we can.
Showering. It should be easy and something we do every day, right? Just like eating and breathing. I've found a lot lately that I don't eat. I'm so busy, I just don't think about it. My past has had much difficulty, like the rest of you. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at age 15 and I never thought I'd be happy again. School never seemed to be working out. I felt like I didn't have a family anymore. My friends were all going on missions or moving away, and I just felt stuck. But one day, when I was dressed in sweats, a beanie, and a raggy looking coat, something changed my life forever.
I was talking with who I thought was just a worker at this bakery. Just waiting for the order I'd placed. Before I knew it, I was offered a job and started three days later. The best part, I have Celiac Disease. I can't even eat gluten. And I was going to be working around it. Soon enough I started to find my place. About two months into my job, I was asked to supervise the back of the bakery. I was shocked. I didn't think my work was really noticed. But I said yes. I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I figured it out along the way.
Drumline season came along and I found a group far away from where I live. It seemed somewhat promising, and I thought "what the hell. Let's do it." It included a lot of driving, a lot of gas money, and all of the fees to go along with it. But it paid off. There were times I felt like walking away. I figured they didn't need me that bad. I stuck with it, and before I knew it, we won. I cried and I hugged so many people. It was the proudest day. I was surrounded with people who I had only met in November, but now are my family.
Growing up isn't all I thought it'd be. I'm moving out this week. I just started packing. What I'm trying to get at is that I was at my worst. I thought things couldn't be any worse. But the "small" things in life are what made me accomplish more than I even thought I could. There have been so many people along the way cheering me on. I couldn't be more grateful. We always grow up thinking things will be a certain way. And let me tell you, seven months ago, I had no idea that this is where I'd be. But here I am. And I wouldn't change any of it.
Life is hard. We fight with family and we lose friends. Things seem to just fall apart at the worst times. But that's when we have to push ourselves. Like making a goal to get out of bed and shower. Or trying to be ten minutes early to work. It's things like taking a break at work and actually eating something, instead of just sitting on your phone. I find myself laying here tonight trying to find the words to explain how I feel. I did it. Those "small" goals. It took everything I had, but I am proud to say that I did it. I accomplished something I never thought I could. I beat the seasonal depression. I haven't broken down in seven months. I have a great job, a great family, an amazing girlfriend, and so many outstanding friends who have stuck with me.
Tonight, I want to say thank you. To all of those who believed in me, especially when I didn't believe in myself. I've wanted to make this world proud, and I feel like I have accomplished that. I definitely couldn't have done it without all of you. The next thing is setting new goals, and accomplishing those. Because when you accomplish something you never thought you could, you are the strongest person. You become happy. Everything falls into place. One of my favorite quotes is "When things seems like they're falling apart, they're really falling into place." I attest to that. Because when my life seemed to be falling apart all around me, the whole time, it was actually all falling into place.
Please take a moment to watch this video of my drumline. I hope it moves you the way it moved me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vn46hWFStEM&feature=youtu.be
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