Someone once told me that life would never be easy.
But they never said that it could be this hard.
I remember walking onto the field that day, pretending I was okay. That what happened the night before was just a mistake, and I'd be able to move on. What I didn't know, is that it wouldn't be easy. Was it easy to see him every day? To be in the very presence of someone who defiled me in the most inhumane way possible? No. It wasn't. But I walked on that field, I went to my class. I could have quit. Walked away. But I didn't. Because I knew it was going to be hard, but it wasn't worth quitting.
I'm no one special. I never have been. I hear comments every now and then that I'll be so great some day. But it's hard to believe. The day I knew something wasn't right, changed me forever. I was handed a pill, and was told to take it. "Will this last forever?" I thought to myself every day. I'm no one special. I'm just another girl who struggles. Takes pills to feel somewhat normal. I go to school, drive my car, and watch Netflix, just like the rest of you. I am no one special.
Was it easy to march thirty pound cymbals with a torn rotator cuff? No. It was constant pain and pain med after pain med. Praying every day that my car accident didn't really happen. That there isn't a possibility of surgery. But the fact of the matter is, it all happened. And still is. Is it easy to play percussion with this pain? No. So why do I do it? Because it's what I love. We often put ourselves through pain for things we love. Regardless of whatever consequence is tied along with it.
It wasn't easy when my dad left for prison. I felt like he didn't even exist anymore. "Where's your dad?" They'd ask me. "I don't have one." I knew one day he'd be coming home and I'd have to face the reality that he missed some of my proudest days. Id have to face the truth of the situation, and learn how to forgive. Was it easy? No. Has it been worth it? Yes.
It was so hard to decide whether to get sleep or to drive an hour to see if someone I loved was actually dying. It was already so late. But I did it. Knowing how exhausted I'd be. That I probably wouldn't make it to school. But I did. And I kept going that day like everything was just fine. That it was easy to hide what had happened that night. And that I almost lost someone.
It's not easy to lay in this bed, surrounded by all of the hellish thoughts of my mind.
"You're not good enough."
"Just give up, it doesn't matter anyway."
And I lay here for days. Noticing the sun is setting once again, feeling like another day has just been wasted on these thoughts I cannot rid. It's not easy to go to your mom and tell her you don't want to be in this life anymore. But I did it anyway.
I didn't want to go outside and go for a drive with my dad. But I did. It's not easy waking up to this reality I hope to somehow piece together, when I cannot even find all of the pieces I need. Do I waste my time trying to find the missing pieces?
"What's the point anyway?"
I'm no one special. Just a girl with a dream, fighting her way through life. And at times, I'm tired of fighting. Trying to prove to everyone that there is something special about me. That something in my life does matter. Sometimes, it's the hardest thing in the world. But I do it anyway. And it's hard to know why. What this mysterious ambition is that's inside me, when every other part of me just wants to give up.
Is this what they call hope?
The light at the end of the tunnel?
I don't know. But what I do know,
Is that life is the hardest thing we'll ever encounter.
But it will be the biggest success we'll have ever accomplished.
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