My (almost complete) Pill Journey

I remember the day I walked into the doctor's office.
I was wearing a brace on my right wrist, due to the recent surgery I'd just had.
I sat down on the table and my doctor asked if I wanted to be in there without my mom.
I hesitantly said yes.
"Anything special going on lately?" She asked.
"It's my birthday today."
"How old are you?"
"I'm 15 now."
We continued on, talking about these feelings I had.
The ones where I didn't want to get out of bed, and that I didn't even want to be in this life.
I explained how alone I felt.
How badly I just wanted to feel normal, just like everyone else.
She stopped mid conversation and asked why I had that brace on my wrist.
I told her why. But she gave me this look.
"Is that really why you're wearing it? I've seen the marks on your body.."
Yes. It was.
But no. I hadn't stopped marking my body with something I'd never be able to rid.
I went home that day to set up for my birthday party.
Happy birthday, you've been diagnosed with clinical depression.
It started out with one medication.
Three months later, we changed it.
I waited, patiently.
Nothing was working.
My mom would hand me my pill every morning, and I'd walk back into my room and put it in a jar.
I never wanted this.
I stayed in my bed, blocking out any light that would come into my room.
I didn't want to be here.
I was suggested to see a counselor.
"Why do you feel this way? Why do you harm yourself? Why do you feel the need to die?"
I stormed out of there faster than a torpedo, enraged at the fact that I could not answer those damn questions.
I was never able to answer them. I still can't.
Months go by and I'm changed meds again.
"Add this to your other med. Take it with food."
I don't want to effing take it.
Five years later, four new diagnoses, and here I lay thinking of this video.
How someone finally said what needed to be said.
I cannot list off every medication I've been on or what it's for.
I can't say which one helped in what way or what the horrible side effect was.
All I know is that currently, I'm on what helps keep me alive.
You see, people don't really get it.
We aren't just handed one pill and everything is magically okay.
Every day is full of unexpected bull shit.
Like being kicked out of class, or your parents separating.
Then, you have to add on another pill.
Oh, a car accident?
Here's a very addictive pain medication that you can't sleep without.
Medication has never been what I've wanted in life.
I'd never wish it upon anyone.
But what I've come to realize is that even though I hate swallowing seven pills every night,
it's what keeps me alive.
So, if you're someone who has struggled, know that you're not alone.
If you're someone who hasn't been through this, take a second to try to understand those of us who need a pill to feel somewhat normal.
I'm not sure what point I'm trying to get across here, other than the fact that every time I watch this video, I cry.
For once, I feel understood. I don't feel alone. And neither should you.
There are strength in numbers.
And we should all stand together.

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