Age

Twenty.

I wake up on a bright summer day to notifications from social media sites.

Excited to open them, my heart drops.

"Go to hell, you transgender piece of shit."

I scramble to look for a name, something to tell me who this is from.

Who would send me this, and what in spite of.

Nineteen.

I wake up in the morning and take my daily medications.

I go to therapy and talk about my daily life.

Try to mend the things that has broken my heart.

But I laugh and I smile as I take the floor for competition every weekend.

Eighteen.

I'm finally an adult.

I can do what I want.

I can be out late.

"Want a drink?"

Where am I?

Who am I?

Seventeen.

I wake up at 6:30 AM every morning to go to high school.

Hoping that I won't get another nasty look from some person I don't even know.

My dad's coming home soon..

That should make it all better, right?

Sixteen.

The big birthday.

But it isn't so big.

I'm trapped.

I'm being abused and my emotions are lost.

"NO!!"

I scream into the phone,

Yelling at my father trying to tell me who to be.

Rehearsal after rehearsal.

Another punch to the face.

And another..

Fifteen.

I'm diagnosed with clinical depression.

"Here, take this pill every morning. Come back if it doesn't work."

I wearily walk into my home and set up for my party.

Aching inside and what has been revealed to me.

"Hi. I'm Chloe. I'm here because I self harm."

I say to a lady I don't even know.

Fourteen.

He's gone.

Taken.

I'm in the desert trying to understand where he is and how he got there.

Dad, where did you go?

I look up at the stars and can't help but think,

God, how could you do this to me?

How could ANY of you do this to me?

Thirteen.

I practice my new instrument in my room.

Hoping to become something out of nothing.

Life was easy.

Friends were still around.

Life hadn't become that complicated yet.

Twelve.

I ride my new bike down the street and glow with happiness as my dad comes home from work.

I tell my mom about what I saw and what I did today.

How it poured rain but I still made it to the recreation center.

Because I could do it.

I knew I could.

Eleven.

Blink.

Ten.

Hold my breath.

Nine.

Something is wrong with me.

Why do I feel so different?

Eight.

I'm being dunked under water for this religion I don't understand.

That I don't know much about.

Seven.

Help.

Six.

I run outside in the bright morning to see my best friends.

Five.

My mom does my hair and makes me breakfast.

She tells me that I tend to get grumpy when I haven't eaten.

Four.

Things are simple. 

Life is easy.

All I have to do is play and be happy.

Three.

Blink.

Two.

I'm becoming part of this family.

One.

I open my eyes.

The day of my birth.

I never expected to be where I am today.